derby babies make my world go round

This Saturday, I attended my first derby bout since Beast of the East. My team wasn't playing and I hadn't originally had much intention of going to the bout. But when my teammate Ashley Thudd mentioned that she would be boutcasting and would thus require someone to entertain her 1 year old, I was lured in by the sweet seduction of the derby baby.

Babysitting at a bout seemed like the perfect way to get over my fear of going back to into the derby scene. It was a nice way to wet my feet in the derby pond instead of just jumping right back in head first.

Maybe people were happy to see me and everyone was welcoming. I helped out at the door for a while because a few people showed up late for their shifts. And when the bout began, the boutcasting mama left me with baby Tess and my adventures in derby babysitting began. Tess and I walked outside for a bit, said hi to many other derby girls, we played the "up the stairs down the stairs" game, I'd ask her where she wanted to go and then she'd point us in the right direction, she'd clap when everyone else would clap, and when she got to missing her mommy at one point, Steph D and I sang her the wheels on the bus song. All in all I'd say it was a delightful evening.

And now, I feel ready. Ready to be involved. Maybe not committed to the point where I reschedule my entire life around derby games. But whenever I can, I'll be at the bouts. And I'm giving myself to the end of this month to start going to ref practices. I'm itching to skate. And I'm feeling so good about my head and derby and so comfortable with my retirement at the moment that if I weren't going to see Les Miserables tomorrow evening, I would go to practice and strap on my skates. Hopefully, I'll still be this positive next week.

Thanks Tess for making this easy on me :)

Retirement is a bitch

I haven't been to a bout since Beast. Be it because the drastic weather change sent my concussion headache into overdrive or I was whisked away on a spontaneous roadtrip, something keeps preventing me from taking part in this derby season.

But the truth is that I'm not ready. I had such high hopes for this season. And now, when I'm expected to make flyers for the upcoming bouts and be a non-skating official or volunteer of some kind at every bout, it feels like I'm working for no pay-off. Which isn't entirely the case. I'm absolutely thrilled to still be a major figure on the creative committee. And in theory, I'd love to volunteer tons of time and energy into making MTLRD an amazing league. But I just can't do it right now.

My forced retirement is not something I'm totally comfortable with. This weekend, my team will be playing. And watching them play without me, knowing I'll never again get to experience the thrill of executing a solid block and that magical post-derby high, just might be enough to send me spiraling into a deep depression. And depression is something I've been doing a very good job avoiding lately. I'm happy with my non-derby life. Its strong and thriving and it makes me happy. But I'm not yet confidant that going to a derby game wouldn't jeopardize that at the moment.

And so, I'm going to wish my team, La Racaille, good luck and I will try to let go of that feeling of responsibility I have towards derby. Roller derby change my life in a wonderfully positive way and now its time for me to move on. And once I've thoroughly moved on, I will decide whether or not I want to reinvolve myself in the magic of the Montreal Roller Derby League.

Beast of the East 2010

Spending 2 whole days in and around an arena filled with derby girls, watching my team play without me, feeling a vicarious derby high, all while knowing that I'll never play this wonderful sport again, was rather heart-wrenching... as I had predicted it would be. However, I did not run out of the arena in tears. And an even greater accomplishment of mine was that, all day Saturday, I only had a twinge of a headache despite the loud arena and, all day Sunday, I only had 1 major headache which I was able to placate by napping in the grass for a good 15-20 minutes. My brain is clearly healing more quickly than my previous concussions.

My team totally rocked the Beast. We came in 2nd. 1st, 2nd and 3rd place went to the 3 Montreal teams (FDR in 1st, La Racaille 2nd, and Ditas 3rd). The level of general competition was higher than it was last year. It seems though that Montreal Roller Derby is still a few steps ahead of all the southern Ontario teams.

I really love my team and my team says I'm Racaille for life, so YAY! But as of today, I've got to start mentally preparing myself to switch from derby girl to derby ref. I probably shouldn't be on skates just yet, so that gives me time to brush up on the rules, learn the ref hand signals and let myself get used to the idea of becoming "one of the boys" in this primarily female sport.

retirement

The doc says quit, so I must quit. 5 hours in ER. Examined by 2 doctors (one of whom had actually seen me play before). CT Scan (the technician happened to be a girl with whom I went to high school). And the verdict is: serious concussion, no brain damage, but must cut out the contact sports because the next concussion probably won't be so kind to me.

So this is the end.

I've announced my retirement to my team. And they insist that I stick around as part of the team nonetheless. So I shall be part of the La Racaille support staff, filling in whatever function is required: bench manager, babysitter, watergirl, chauffeur, film crew, cheerleader. I will continue to be there for my team.

And when my head is less wonky than it is at present, I intend to get back on skates and get back into shape just without the contact aspect of the sport. At the moment, I'm very much leaning towards becoming a ref for next season. That way, i'll be able to continue going to practices and training. I'll just keep my head out of the way when the hits are a-rollin'.

So far, that's the plan. Its the end of an era for me, but I'm eerily ok with that. As much as I was looking forward to this season, my brains come first.

Derby roadtrip of doom

6 years ago, I lost control of a pickup truck and wound up in the ditch. It was probably the least damaging car accident in the history of car accidents as all passengers and the vehicle suffered absolutely no injury or damage. However, my boss decided to nickname me Crash for the rest of the summer. And I'm starting to see how this is a rather fitting nickname for me.

Let me start from the beginning. This weekend, the Montreal Sexpos roadtripped out to Michigan for a derby game in Kalamazoo and then a scrimmage in Grand Rapids. Though I am not a current member of the Sexpos, I was asked to sub in and thus I took part in said roadtrip. The bout on Saturday night against the Killamazoo Derby Debutantes was in fact my first real game since Beast of the East 2009 and my concussion. I was ridiculously nervous before the bout to the point where I felt sick to my stomach. But once the game started rolling, all my nerves floated away and I was on fire. My lines always managed to work well together and pull off some excellent isolating. Some of the other lines fell apart a little. But I feel like my contribution to the track was definitely a worthy one.

The reffing however was horrendous. Honestly, I am rarely one to criticize the refs. I know how hard their job is and that they are volunteers. And as a rule, I love them. But this bunch of refs must have gotten together and smoked a ton of weed before the game or something because they were all over the place. Its possible it was just that there were refs from various different cities who all had different reffing styles that just didn't mesh. In any case, something was wrong out there. And my team lost their cool a few times.

The other team also lost their cool and grew increasingly aggressive on the track. In the second half of the game, hits to the face from the other team were not uncommon. In fact, I received 2 notable hits to the face. The first gave me a swollen lips and the mild taste of blood in my mouth. The second smashed me right in the eye. Luckily I was wearing protective prescription goggles which probably saved me from a serious black eye. However, I'm pretty sure they didn't save me from head trauma.

My brain has been in constant pain since that hit to the face (for while i received a penalty by some twisted logic). And having some considerable experience with concussions. I think its pretty safe to say that I'm 94% sure I am suffering from post-concussive syndrome. I'd love to be wrong. And I'll be scampering off to find out what medical professionals have to say on the subject within the next 24 hrs.

My head really needs to stop crashing into other people violently. There's only so much head trauma a girl can take.

body drama

Some days, life decides to take a metaphorical dump on your head. Yesterday was one of those days.

Horrible cramps

Nosebleed

Coughing so hard that it made me puke

Smashed up elbow (apparently elbow pads are not that useful)

Charlie horse

and a tiny bit of whiplash

FUN FUN FUN.

But despite all these things, practice last night was pretty kick-ass. I toughed it out and only stopped for a 23 second puke break and 2 or 3 minutes of elbow icing (during which time I actually continued skating, but with an ice pack). And it felt pretty damn good (not the puking and the icing, but everything else.)

Tonight, I take on Sexpos practice. And I intend to leave my body drama at home.

women athletes...

Sometimes, being a female athlete in the world of contact sports causes complications. Unplanned pregnancy for one.

I found out last night that I am officially NOT preggers. And the derby girl in me jumped with joy. Now, I totally love children and intend to have a flock of my very own at some point. But last derby season (which was my first derby season), I basically missed out on EVERYTHING because of my concussion. And now that I'm back in shape and ready to take the derby world by storm, the idea of having to sit on the sidelines for another extended period of time was rather soul-crushing. So, when my aunt Flo came to visit last night, I welcomed her with open arms (and maybe a little happy dance.)

My team has a sidelined pregnant player pretty much every season. This season, its not me. This season, I will skate hard, hit harder, and think fast. And I will not get injured.

LESS THAN A MONTH UNTIL BEAST!!!!!!

derby knowledge bomb!

Last Sunday, my derby team La Racaille, trekked down to Vermont for the afternoon/evening to drop a derby knowledge bomb on the Green Mountain Derby Dames (and then scrimmage with them a wee bit.) Usually, our 2 travel teams (the New Skids on the Block and the Sexpos) do all the derby roadtrips, but this was a home team bonding experience. As the destination was only 2 hrs away, almost the entire team was able to make the trip.

We basically showed the GMDD girls how we run our regular Sunday Racaille practices. I'd describe to you in detail what we showed them, but I don't think the team would appreciate me divulging our team secrets to the entire internet. So i'll just say that we showed them our stuff and they seemed to get a lot out of it.

Now, the important part (on a personal level) was the scrimmaging. There are a few noteworthy things I noticed about my own performance in the scrimmaging against GMDD. The first was that, although i was on the track every 2nd jam, I did not get over-exhausted at any point. And that is a huge accomplishment because I was definately pushing myself, so not running out of breath means that my endurance has greatly improved recently. BIG FUCKIN DEAL!!!

The second thing worth mentioning is that I found myself working really well with my line. My mind often switches to automatic when I'm on the track, so I've been putting a lot of effort into being aware on the track and working with my teammates and communicating. In that scrimmage, it was noticeable that my efforts have not been in vain. There's still work to do, there always is, but I like feeling that improvement has occurred.

And the third thing is that a teammate gave me some constructive criticism that felt a lot more like a veiled compliment than anything else. There are some people whose advice comes rarely and usually when they see something good going down and they can imagine it being even better. Such was the case. I felt like I was seen as a valid member of the team (as opposed to the recovering injured girl).

Only 1 month until Beast of the East!!!

Also, i'll be playing a game with the Sexpos in Michigan in 2 weekends. SUPER EXCITING!

derby positivity covered in chocolate fondue!

This week, for the first time ever, I referred to myself in conversation with a friend as being a better player now than i was pre-concussion. The words just came out of my mouth without much thought, but afterwards I realized that they were true. I'm really feeling solid. The new skates do wonders for my skating power. And I'm finally getting used to them... they have however started to rip up my heals a little bit. They're all raw now. I keep joking about how I should build up calluses by playing guitar with my heels. Thus my feet would become invincible to new skates and I'd have this really random talent of playing foot guitar.

I haven't been sleeping well lately and have thus gone to practices sleepy and worn out. Were I still in my recovery phase, I would have totally blown those practices, but as it is, I was still able to get ton of valuable insight out of those practices and hone my skills.

I've been thinking about going back to Wednesday Sexpos practices, but I keep having important things to do on Wednesday and with my new job its almost impossible for me to make in on time to the early practices. And since I can't really afford to take any time off work to travel, its not really worth wearing myself out to get back on a travel team just yet. I imagine that as the season approaches, I'll be more inclined to take advantage of the extra practice time.

In the meantime, I'm trying to take on many casual non-derby sports activities, like jogging, rowing and street hockey... maybe even some all night dance partying.

Queen of the practice!

This morning, i went to derby practice on 4 hours of sleep with just a giant pile of enthusiasm and adrenaline. And i was on fire. Today, I felt more like the pre-concussion Hellcatraz than ever before. And with the lack of ankle pain due to my new skates, as well as my constantly improving fitness level (which is still not all that fit), soon enough I'll be better than ever. Hellcatraz is making a comeback.

I felt so good about myself at the end of practice that I declared myself world champion of this morning's practice. Wrath Poutine even apologized for forgetting my medal at home.

Really, I was on the ball. FUckin' shit up like nobody's business. In the last scrimmage line of the day, I even jammed and kicked some serious ass. When there's really just 1 blocker on me, I just hit them back harder than they hit me and then pick up the pace. Luckily my team was doing a good enough job of interfering with the opposing team's blockers, so they never got a chance to catch me behind a wall of anything.

Ah, good times.

This the self-declared Queen of practice signing off.

meow

I missed a couple practices last week because some adorably little strep throat infected children decided to shove their sticky fingers in my face. Now, when i go a little while without practicing, I always forget about that wonderful post-practice high. I write about it all the time, but there's really no way to capture the emotion and inject in directly to my blood stream when i get the derby blues (or any other kind of blues for that matter.)

Today, I was crazily lethargic. And the thought of doing anything other than curling up in a ball under a pile of blankets and sleeping the rest of my life away was quite intolerable. However, I was determined to put that aside for derby practice. I put my depression in my back pocket, got my skates on and hoped that my lethargy wouldn't find a way out of my back pocket and pull a sneak attack on me mid-practice.

But once the ball got rolling, all my worries went away. And after the initial shock of being back on skates post-sickness, my body didn't even complain more than with a slight short-lived muscle ache or 2.

And now, in the midst of this lovely post-derby high, I can't help but wish that derby practices took place early every morning before work. I'd be nice & chipper all day long and probably would no longer require anti-depressants. However, i cannot imagine any of the derby girls wanting to get up at 5am to practice. Maybe one day... when roller derby becomes an olympic sport... a girl can dream.

welcome back zest for life

Anti-depressants, new skates, emotional support from friends and family, positive experiences at derby practice. All these things have really helped me find my footing in life and in the derby world over the past few weeks. Like any time of great change, my head often felt like it was going to explode. But the storm seems to have passed, for now. My new skates were just what the doctor ordered.

I'm even excited for the team bonding that'll be happening this weekend. I feel closer to my team than i had in a long while. And this really helps when overcoming the derby blues.

Bye-bye derby blues.

Less than 3 months until Beast of the East 2010. So excited!

lack of chemical balance

Clinical depression is one cruel bitch. A cruel bitch who has chosen to make my life a living hell lately. The concussion and the post-concussive syndrome caused a pretty serious relapse. NOT COOL.

So today, i seeked medical help. I'm back on anti-depressants. Not a solution, but definately an aide to get back on my feet. Derby should help a lot. Of course, if i'm too blah to make it to practice, derby won't help at all. But with the anti-depressants and maybe some therapy, there's no reason i won't be making it to practices.

Oh snap!

not-so-super star

The realization that you've lost some of your skill in a certain area is always a depressing one. Over the past couple months, my struggle to find my groove post-concussion has hit wall after wall. The degradation of my physical conditioning after 4 months off skates set me back much more than i was ever willing to admit, thus making me more susceptible to minor injuries, lung problems and awkward aches and pains. I feel like I'm getting old too young. And the part of my subconscious that is most affected by my seratonin deficiency has suggested that maybe I should quit. I am presently outraged that that thought ever crossed my mind. Derby is my baby. I may not be a superstar at the moment, but that doesn't mean I can't have a ton of fun anyways. And then maybe my time will come.

My new skates haven't arrived yet. I ordered them over a month ago and I don't think they've even been shipped yet. My current skates don't breed confidence and my current wheels are on the cusp of death. So, I'm anxious about the arrival of my new skates. Soon soon soon, hopefully.

While waiting, I'm going to keep pushing myself hard and trying to find the joy in all aspects of the derby world.