Retirement is a bitch

I haven't been to a bout since Beast. Be it because the drastic weather change sent my concussion headache into overdrive or I was whisked away on a spontaneous roadtrip, something keeps preventing me from taking part in this derby season.

But the truth is that I'm not ready. I had such high hopes for this season. And now, when I'm expected to make flyers for the upcoming bouts and be a non-skating official or volunteer of some kind at every bout, it feels like I'm working for no pay-off. Which isn't entirely the case. I'm absolutely thrilled to still be a major figure on the creative committee. And in theory, I'd love to volunteer tons of time and energy into making MTLRD an amazing league. But I just can't do it right now.

My forced retirement is not something I'm totally comfortable with. This weekend, my team will be playing. And watching them play without me, knowing I'll never again get to experience the thrill of executing a solid block and that magical post-derby high, just might be enough to send me spiraling into a deep depression. And depression is something I've been doing a very good job avoiding lately. I'm happy with my non-derby life. Its strong and thriving and it makes me happy. But I'm not yet confidant that going to a derby game wouldn't jeopardize that at the moment.

And so, I'm going to wish my team, La Racaille, good luck and I will try to let go of that feeling of responsibility I have towards derby. Roller derby change my life in a wonderfully positive way and now its time for me to move on. And once I've thoroughly moved on, I will decide whether or not I want to reinvolve myself in the magic of the Montreal Roller Derby League.