derby roadtrips and the cure for social anxiety

This weekend, the Montreal Sexpos hit the road to take on the Bytowne Blackhearts in Ottawa. I was originally supposed to play this game, but since I was sick for the better part of the month, I let someone less rusty take my spot on the roster. However, I did find myself a nice spot in the bleachers and yelled until my throat swelled and my lungs threatened to explode. It was great fun. And like any derby roadtrip is was both exhilerating and exhausting.

We got back into town around 4 yesterday. Which gave me about 45 minutes, after driving people home, to unwind on my couch before hopping back into my car and heading to team practice. My better judgment told me to cave into my exhaustion and just stay home, but having promised a ride to one of my teammates, I dutifully went to practice. And I did not regret it. For the first time since my lung infection, I was able to work myself to the bone without exploding into fits of coughing. Admittedly, my endurance has gone to shit from my lack of practice, so I got tired and therefore sloppy before practice came to an end. But when it all came to an end, I felt completely and utterly satisfied. I had worked hard. My pads were all drenched in sweat. And I imagine that mixture of adrenaline and self-satisfaction is like to how a superhero feels after a job well-done. The post-roadtrip social anxiety that I always feel after hours jammed into a car with an assortment of people had been obliterated by the beating I took on the track.

For a while, I was a little scared that, having been picked for a team, I'd disappoint my teammates. Being sick for a while did nothing to alleviate that fear. But yesterday, I had a moment of clarity during which all my fears vanished. I felt the potential lurking within me. Bits of it shone through. And I am determined to do everything in my power to help it reach the surface. Outlook: optimistic.